


After all, it's just a normal day

by JoJoStories



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 09:42:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15070436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoJoStories/pseuds/JoJoStories
Summary: The moment he wakes up, he wishes he hadn’t. Any other day, Simon would have been thrilled waking up to the sweet melody of Brams voice, trespassing in the morning sunlight. However, this day, it all feels wrong. His limbs are heavy, head tangled in distressed thoughts.”Simon?”, Bram murmurs into his neck.





	After all, it's just a normal day

The moment he wakes up, he wishes he hadn’t. Any other day, Simon would have been thrilled waking up to the sweet melody of Brams voice, trespassing in the morning sunlight. However, this day, it all feels wrong. His limbs are heavy, head tangled in distressed thoughts.

”Simon?”, Bram murmurs into his neck. They fell asleep last night after watching some soccer game that Simon wasn’t enjoying that much. However, his boyfriends excited face kind of made up for his boredom.

Now, he doesn’t answer. He doesn’t even make a sound. What would he even say? _Sorry, Bram, love of my life, I just can’t deal with you or anyone right now._

_In fact, today, I can’t even deal with myself._

That would be too deep, too dark.

The thing is, their relationship is fairly new and its going great. Bram has met his parents and tasted his sisters questionable cooking, which he complemented like the true gentleman he is.

His parents has finally stopped tip toeing around him, as if he is going to break at any moment. Spoiler alert, he won’t. He is way past that.

There’s no drama involving Martin. The awkwardness between Leah, Abby and Nick isn’t that noticeable anymore. Their friend group is stronger than ever, with Bram as an added member, which no one has objected to.

Still, the seemingly nonexistent burden weighs heavy on him today.

”Simon?, we have to get up”, Bram whispers, now fully awake. His apprehensive demeanour sends warning signals to Simons brain.

Bram can’t know. He is so tired of hurting people, letting people down. Not today.

”I know”, he says while smushing his face further in the pillow. Perhaps he can disappear if he tries hard enough. A warm hand gently strokes his back. He leans in to the touch until he collides against Brams chest. His steady heart beat grounds him a little. Can’t they just lie here today?

”Are you tired?”, he asks and places a small kiss on his neck.

It’s a loaded question. Of course he is tired. Tired of days filled with void, days filled with dread. Anxious consciousness that deprives him of any self worth. Thoughts that won’t stop tumble even if his life depended on it. Love that doesn’t quite reach his heart, even though he tries to direct it.

The only word he can bare to utter is an exhausted ”Yes”.

Oh god, is he tired.

But he can’t tell his boyfriend that because everything is fine.

That’s why he sits up abruptly. A little too abruptly if you ask Bram, who jumps in surprise but remains seated on the bed. Simon sets his feet on the ground and stares at the wooden floors, aware of the presence behind him. He has to get through this day.

”We can stay home if you’d like?”

He doesn’t answer.

They get dressed without saying another word. He can sense the tension but tries to ignore it. Behind him, Bram is pulling a hoodie over his shoulders. His expression is vary, eyes casted downwards the whole time. It should make him feel guilty but it doesn’t. Instead, he is glad that Bram isn’t pushing him.

Downstairs, Nora greats them with chocolate pancakes. Bram quickly joins in with the morning banter. He watches the two, while picking at the chocolate pancake on his plate. He sees Bram smiling bashfully, yet he can’t be present enough to hear what teasing remark caused the reaction.

A gentle pat on his back takes him back to earth, earning a sympathetic smile from his mother. He smiles back, hoping he can convey a calm exterior. She doesn’t buy it, but doesn’t pry either. On her way to the kitchen sink she stops, next to Bram, and says something too him. In response, Brams eyes seek his for the first time this morning.

”Shouldn’t you be on your way to school by now?”

Her tone is light, yet Simon hears the underlying concern, as mirrored in Brams eyes. He ducks from his intense gaze.

”Yeah, we are on our way. Can’t pass up the opportunity for chocolate pancakes though, right Nora?”

An unsure smile spreads on Noras face, as she eats another pancake.

They finish eating and disappear out the door, before his dad stumbles down the stairs. He hears him shouting after them.

”Have a good day at school!”

”We will”, Bram answers, while shutting the front door behind him.

Simon starts the car and then they’re on their way. He engages in small talk with Bram, but his mind isn’t quite there. It’s all fine though, Bram talks about his upcoming match next week. Apparently the whole team has to fit more practice into their weekly schedule, in order to prepare thoroughly, according to their coach. Bram doesn’t really agree with that tactic, questioning whether more practice hours is the right way to go, considering their already tough schedule.

The car slowly fills up as he picks up their friends. Leah, Abby and Nick are all in a great mood. They’re laughing and talking at the same time, leaving no room for joining in. Simon, however, doesn’t mind at all. He needs the distraction.

But soon the distraction comes to an end. The school building stands tall and daunting, a few meters away from the school parking lot. He hears indistinct voices of gossip and car doors slamming, as students make their way to the school yard. Leah, Nick and Abby exit the car, and suddenly they are alone.

Before Bram even has time to open his mouth, Simon places a quick kiss on his warm lips. He then hurries out of the car. Bram follows and together they walk hand in hand, through the school corridor, towards english class.

When entering, they get separated by a determined Mr Wise, who insists that they split up and join their respective new groups. Simon sighs and reluctantly lets go of Brams hand. He watches him join Garett and two other guys he barely recognises. As he turns around to find his own group for the day, his chest tightens. There, in the corner, sits Martin freaking Addison. When he sees Simon he grins, their troubled past totally forgotten. He pats the chair next to him, and Simon can’t help rolling his eyes. Why today? He doesn’t have the energy to deal with this right now.

With reluctant steps he joins Martin and the others in his group, praying for the time to pass quickly.

As Martin drones on about the work load, Simon finds himself spacing out. He tries to focus on something solid, but soon realises that it seems impossible. His vision wont settle. Slightly panicked, he blinks a couple of times in vain. He begins to close his eyes, but gets interrupted by Martin.  
”Hey Spier, are you with us?”, he says and Simon can hear the teasing in his voice.

His eyes snap up at Martins gleeful expression. The blurred vision is now gone and he sighs in relief. He mutters something unrecognisable, and then proceeds to read through the instructions.

Later at lunch, he realises that he keeps dropping his fork. The clanging noise pierces through his clouded mind and he jumps. The tight feeling in his chest returns, as the rest of the table reacts to the sudden noice. He doesn’t want the attention.

”Sorry”, he mutters and pushes a potato into the corner of his plate. He notices that Leah and Bram stare a bit longer than the others, however soon they join in, listening to Abbys anecdote. He tries to do so himself, but finds himself getting lost inside his mind again. In the blurry outlines of his vision, his hands have started to shake again. So much for trying to hold his fork.

He puts it down, before he drops it a third time.

Lunch transforms into afternoon, and Simon suffers through his classes, barely writing down any information from the whiteboard. He couldn’t care less when it feels like his body is giving up on him. It’s as if he can feel every noice, every piercing laugh, every squeaking pencil. It makes the hair on his arms stand up. He longs for his bed, steady and warm in a quiet environment. Perhaps even with someone to hold him. It’s pathetic, he thinks. He can’t even function at school, and nothing has really happened today. It’s just a normal day. What mustn’t the others think? He’s been rude and obnoxious the whole day, barely talking to anyone.

He almost leaves after school. He almost texts Bram to tell him that he is sick and doesn’t have the energy to wait for his soccer practice to end. At least that’s partially true. However, he doesn’t have the heart to leave his boyfriend stranded. And after all, theres nothing wrong with him right? It’s just a normal day, so he stays.

When Bram finally exits the building, he gives Simon a wide smile. A tingling sensation of butterflies arises briefly. He feels heavy yet on edge. His hands are becoming numb, which is weird. He can’t really feel them shake anymore.

As Bram greats him with a kiss, he hides them in his pockets.

”You ready to go to Abbys? Can’t believe it’s friday”, Bram exclaims with a grin. Simon notices he is slightly more dressed up than normal.

He freezes for a second. It hadn’t occurred to him that it was already friday.

Of course Bram expected them to go to Abbys party, why wouldn’t they?

Leah and Nick were going as well as Garrett. Moreover, Simon had never seemed to be vary of parties, especially not with his close friends next to him. Why would he object?

But the mere thought of having to be there the whole evening, makes his heart speed up and his eyes burn. His head aches as rumbling thoughts speed at a hundred miles an hour, desperately trying to find a solution where he can get out. Brams hopeful gaze doesn’t exactly calm him.

”Oh, right”, he stutters as they enter the car. The doors slam simultaneously.

Together at last, and Simon should feel some sort of relief or excitement of being with Bram, and knowing school is over for this week. Instead he is filled with dread. He can’t hide much longer. His body has been threatening him all day, and when Bram places a small kiss on his cheek, his heart finally accepts the love that comes with it. And with that also the dread that has been following him around all day, amplified since Brams question.

Suddenly, he can’t get air to his lungs. They constrict and scream for help, yet he cannot seem to help them.

His head falls onto the steering wheel, because it seems too heavy to hold up. In the background, he hears Bram distressed voice trying to figure out whats wrong.

He feels a tentative hand running circles on his back, and a familiar voice trying to break through his rough breaths.

Bram pulls him slightly towards him, and Simon finally let’s go of his facade. It’s scary yet liberating, and Bram hasn’t left yet, despite discovering what a freak he is.

At least thats a bonus.

”Shh, Simon it’s okay. I’m here.”

A small kiss is pressed against his forehead. He lets go of the steering wheel and clings onto Bram, wishing they were in the backseat so there wouldn’t be any distance between them.

”It’s okay, Simon.”

He realises he is sobbing, heart wrenching sobs that increases with his inability to take deep breaths. It must sound quite pathetic, but at the moment he can’t bother to care. This whole day has been too much already.

”I’m…”, he tries to speak, tries to convey. Nothing more comes out, but raspy breaths.

”It’s okay Si, just focus on breathing, I’m here.”, Bram whispers. He caresses his face and strokes his cheek gently with his thumb. The motion is soothing and Simon finds himself leaning in.

”Is anyone watching?”, he asks after a few minutes has passed. He buries his face in Brams neck. while trying not to sniff. He feels Bram shaking his head but he is not sure if he is lying. The school parking lot isn’t the most private place after all.

”Nah, it’s cool.”

It sounds so lame, that Simon almost laughs.

”Cool?”, he teases and leans back a bit. Brams eyes are red around the edges. He has been crying. The realisation make his blood run cold. His head leans against the carseat as he sends an encouraged smile towards Simon.

Then they’re quiet. Too quiet.

Bram doesn’t know what to ask, what to do. He doesn’t want to come across as overbearing and annoying, yet he wants to be supporting. Simon knows that.

However he doesn’t know what to say, how to explain. Hell, he can’t even explain it to himself.

So this is what he does say.

”So, I’m a wreck”

And Bram looks at him, clearly not suspecting that statement.

And then they’re both laughing.

Laughing until Simon starts crying again, this time silent tears. They runs down his cheek. He sees the guilt in Brams eyes.

”So I guess you don’t want to go to the party tonight?”, Bram asks with a shy smile.

”No, I’m sorry”. His hands tremble. Bram notices and takes them into his own.

”You don’t have to be sorry, it’s okay.”, he places a tentative kiss on each one. The sight almost makes him start bawling again, but he manages to keep himself sort of together.

”Let’s go home”. Bram watches him expectantly. It almost sounds like a question, like he isn’t sure that’s the right words to say.

It’s silly.

He couldn’t have picked better words in this moment.

And in the evening, they lay resting in Simons double bed, cover wrapped around them both. The dread has started to fade, but it isn’t gone yet. Negative thoughts linger, however they now compete with more rational positive thinking. It results in a more peaceful mind, which Simon is grateful for. He could use som peace.

He is being held by Bram again, back colliding with his warm chest, arm slouched around him. Warm hands holding his. A small kiss presses against his neck.

”Are you tired?”, Bram asks and he is hit with a strong sense of deja vu.

It all suddenly makes sense. Bram suggesting they stay home, his hesitation in the car. His glances throughout the day, implying deeper concern for Simons well being.

”You knew?”.

”I knew”.

He falls in love all over again.


End file.
